So for the past few days, I have been suffering from what I have determined to be the most annoyingly persistent cold I have ever had. I’ve missed work for the past two days and felt weaker than I have felt in a long time despite my calculated attacks of Delsym. I am currently uninspired and quite frankly “feel like shit”. The days are starting to blend together and I have $20.00 left in my wallet until next Wednesday. “See what I’m working with?” After 10 minutes of staring at the screen, I am really starting to feel personally attacked. You should really think about not staring at people when they are sick.That can be considered rude in some countries I’m sure...it came to me…
I started this blog because I wanted share the realities of my life and somehow give hope to those in need, so here it is, short and sweet (clears throat for PSA):
Love Thy Self Therapy Rule Number 2:
There will come a time when the light at the end of the tunnel is dim. The darkness will not be warm and inviting but cold and overbearing. You will feel like a failure and everything that could go wrong, will probably go wrong I’m talking a 4 out of 5 chance here. But this is not the time to curl up and die. This is not the time to give up. This is the time to persevere and become innovative. You are stronger than what you are going through; these colds don’t last forever.
*silently coughing in the background…I’m dyinggg. Save me. Just kidding, that was totally not funny.*
I am self-centered. For the life of me I cannot understand nor have time to digest the foolishness of other human beings. I am engaged to be married and sometimes I want to shoot myself for the overwhelming concern (baggage) I will continue take on while attached to this other human being. It’s like being a lifeguard, it’s my job to save you when your drowning. Right? No, you should drown you needy fucker. Please forget I said that. I am terribly selfish with how much I care about other people and it’s not because I don’t care. It’s really because I feel the need to limit the amount of “caring” I do. if I don’t, I lose myself. I can become so wrapped up in “their problems” that my life falls apart.
So, in all I am starting to feel this desperate need for breathing; inhaling and remembering to exhale. I am constantly holding my breath. Holding it waiting. Holding it laughing. Holding it cooking dinner. Holding it at work. I am tired of TIRED OF FUCKING HOLDING ITbeing one of those people that really just don’t know how to articulate themselves without being over articulate for fear of being seen as asshole who really just really likes run on sentences and cheap metaphors about love and self worth and due diligence.
I am that person (points finger at self).
I struggle at caring for others because I love myself more. That revelation took about 8 years to come through.
Love Thy Self Therapy Rule Number 1:
Never let anyone make you feel bad for not being an active participant in their problems. Protect your happiness and your piece of mind at all costs. If you don’t, one day you will wake up and look like shit because you carried other people’s baggage. Now where’s that Groupon I had for those Botox injections.
I’d rather not have to say how strongly I feel about the racial turmoil ripping through America but I will. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. In 2015, after a minor traffic violation (for having a license plate cover) I have to listen to my mother give me the absolute worst tongue lashing of my life about how irresponsible I am because I could’ve been killed. And that’s just the short of it. I know it may seem like overkill but you would believe in 2015 I am in danger of becoming a hashtag #SandraBland #MichealBrown #IfIDieInPoliceCustody, when I am in the presence of a police officer.
I won’t go into the racial divide rhetoric or the “who dun nit” debate but simply say it is again a scary time to be African American. I mean America owes me nothing, I am simply a blip on the radar. But nonetheless, I am a human being and because I exist I should be treated fairly. The ever persistent stereotypes and “backwoods” racial hatred ingrained into the subconscious of our society, rob me each and every day of my currently dwindling humanity. I risk my life each day by simply existing. And that is something no one can truly understand unless you have lived it. Dining room conversations have turned away from how was school to how you should behave if accosted by a police officer; how to diffuse a situation and be peacefully arrested even if you are well within your rights. And for those who like to bring up “black on black crime” let me give you some bullets to take home:
Neighborhood crime is exists everyday.
Those of us who live(d) in impoverished neighborhoods with high crime know how to survive.
Many of us are (were) simply trying to escape it.
Do not judge what you do not know or have not lived.
When those living in high crime areas are in need of help who do they call, the police.
We are treated like animals simply because of geological location
Stereotypes create hysteria and micro-aggression in EVERYONE.
Police officers are not different than anyone else so that means they are not exempt from falling victim to micro-aggression, stereotyping, and or acting on ingrained subconscious racial hatred.
Police are state appointed officials who have been tasked with upholding the law. But are treated as if they are superior and exempt.
In short, love yourself enough to know when you have had enough. Do not allow this world to cripple you and make you docile to injustice. Speak up for what is right, no matter the cost. A life worth living is no life at all if you don’t stand up for your fellow man. If you sit by idly while he/she is beaten and slaughtered, then you are no better than the assailant. The time is now to be firm in what you believe because so many are easily swayed into hatred and lies.
Where has humanity gone? It has gone down the drain like cheap liquor on a Saturday night. No more than coffee table conversation. I’d rather not have to say it but it needs to be said…
Well, you know there comes a time in everyone’s life where a significant change needs to be made. Up until this point, I have considered my self to be ambitious, self-sufficient, strong-willed, adventurous and maybe even a bit cynical (at times). Then one day it hit me that my life wasn’t panning out the way I’d planned. I was living in what seemed like constant state of chaos, I was angry more than happy and then I started having these very very uncomfortable crying fits. The buck had to stop there! I was fed up and tired. So I weighed my options and said, “First things first I need a bit of love thy self therapy“, and from that the GodivaChronicles was born! This blog is a testimony of my life experiences, the good, bad and indifferent; my silent declaration of change. I hope you can find some inspiration in my words; everyone could use a bit of “love thy self therapy”.